Chemotherapy is very effective for the cancer I have (with something like a 95% curable rate), but that didn't stop us from coming up with some alternative solutions in case I fall into the 5%.

MD 20/20. That stuff is definitely radioactive. It might be a little harsher than the chemo drugs (and the hangover will be longer), but I'm pretty sure the cancer can't survive a Mad Dog drip – especially if it's Blue Raspberry. (Seriously, where the hell do they find these blue raspberries anyway?!)

Lysol. I mean, it kills 99% of germs and bacteria… let's see how it does on germ cell tumors. Then again, if it was at all effective I have to believe they would have already figured it out and marketed it accordingly.

Robots. There have to be some cancer-eating nanobots I can put to work here – I am a tech guy after all. Can someone get on that for me?

Licking a NYC subway pole. This is like the nuclear option, sort of like that one episode in the Simpsons where Mr. Burns had every single disease that none could "get through". By introducing so many toxins to the body at once, the cancer might just book it. Of course, this might turn me into a rat and leave me stuck fighting oversized turtles named after Renaissance artists… but at least I would be cancer-free.

Any other suggestions? Let's hear what you got… and be creative!